too quiet here

Yes. Suspiciously quiet. That's because work on the thesis has ground to a halt. All my anxieties have not been miraculously healed, after all. I shouldn't have expected them to be gone just like that. The idea of finishing my degree after about 10 years of studying has created all kinds of sad and anxious feelings. Going out into the world! Finding a job and a place where they'll pay me to write a dissertation! No more classes! No more student jobs! Something to look forward to - scary as hell at the same time.

I'm still scared, but I decided to accept it. It's okay to be scared, that feeling won't go away for a while, so I might as well finish writing. I finally went outside again today after staying in my cave for the last three days and it's been ok. Maybe I was just waiting for the rain - strangely, right now I prefer going outside in the rain.

I also had a dream, haven't been dreaming in a while what with my screwed-up sleep schedule and it told me that things will be ok. I dreamt that we were still clearing out the old flat (my father's flat where I lived for +20 years) and we got in a whole lot of furniture, beautiful furniture. I was going through my two rooms, thinking about where I would put it all, rearranging everything in my mind. Then the dream changed, I was walking with my mother, crossing a street in Vienna with cars and streetcars (weird, because I avoid jaywalking whenever I can) and there were people singing a stupid song on the streetcar. The streetcar had a handwritten label "EMO" - apparently, people got on the streetcar to sing emo songs? The dream changed again and my mother and I were in Edinburgh and people on the street were singing a sea shanty and we discussed how different those two cultures were and how much better it was to sing a sea shanty than some stupid song. That's when I woke up, remembered that I didn't have to clear out the flat anymore, that I had no space for furniture (no matter how beautiful it is), that I want to go to Scotland and I felt a lot better about everything. (To be fair, I also talked with one of my best friends about my anxiety and had a little "say goodbye to uni" ceremony.)

Instead of writing I have been knitting. Finally. It felt really good to get back to something that I'm actually good at, something tangible, something beautiful, a kind of work that lets me see its quality right from the start. Writing into the void with a bare minimum of feedback is hard for approval-seeking me, although writing a blog isn't all that different, except nobody grades it and you don't get a degree for bloggery.

Where is the evidence that I've been knitting, you ask? Oh well, on Ravelry. I have taken no pictures yet, because that would mean having to figure out how to get the card into the new laptop and I don't quite know how to do that. I *could* possibly get the camera usb cable from the box that is over at my mother's. But I don't feel like taking pictures right now. So you'll have to keep looking at my other pictures. It's all part of an evil plan. Now it's back to work on that thesis of mine.