the triumphant return of the knitting capricorn

Yes, that's right - the thesis is DONE! 241 pages, 1211 footnotes almost 2MB filesize. I overshot the target of the laser pointed at the moon and built a whole secret moonbase!

There's still a lot of formal stuff to do and of course the exam, but graduation is on the horizon. As is cleaning up my room ... the mountains of clothing, yarn and paper need to be sorted and stored away and there are plenty of other things on my to-do list.

I have been knitting. Sometimes furiously. Sometimes furtively. But I had no time or energy to take pictures, even though there has been a lot of sunlight during this winter. That shall be remedied as soon as possible, seeing how I have a new digital camera now.

Remember this one?

I finally had the chance to make a real one! Very appropriate for the year of the rabbit.

Anime original for comparison:

too quiet here

Yes. Suspiciously quiet. That's because work on the thesis has ground to a halt. All my anxieties have not been miraculously healed, after all. I shouldn't have expected them to be gone just like that. The idea of finishing my degree after about 10 years of studying has created all kinds of sad and anxious feelings. Going out into the world! Finding a job and a place where they'll pay me to write a dissertation! No more classes! No more student jobs! Something to look forward to - scary as hell at the same time.

I'm still scared, but I decided to accept it. It's okay to be scared, that feeling won't go away for a while, so I might as well finish writing. I finally went outside again today after staying in my cave for the last three days and it's been ok. Maybe I was just waiting for the rain - strangely, right now I prefer going outside in the rain.

I also had a dream, haven't been dreaming in a while what with my screwed-up sleep schedule and it told me that things will be ok. I dreamt that we were still clearing out the old flat (my father's flat where I lived for +20 years) and we got in a whole lot of furniture, beautiful furniture. I was going through my two rooms, thinking about where I would put it all, rearranging everything in my mind. Then the dream changed, I was walking with my mother, crossing a street in Vienna with cars and streetcars (weird, because I avoid jaywalking whenever I can) and there were people singing a stupid song on the streetcar. The streetcar had a handwritten label "EMO" - apparently, people got on the streetcar to sing emo songs? The dream changed again and my mother and I were in Edinburgh and people on the street were singing a sea shanty and we discussed how different those two cultures were and how much better it was to sing a sea shanty than some stupid song. That's when I woke up, remembered that I didn't have to clear out the flat anymore, that I had no space for furniture (no matter how beautiful it is), that I want to go to Scotland and I felt a lot better about everything. (To be fair, I also talked with one of my best friends about my anxiety and had a little "say goodbye to uni" ceremony.)

Instead of writing I have been knitting. Finally. It felt really good to get back to something that I'm actually good at, something tangible, something beautiful, a kind of work that lets me see its quality right from the start. Writing into the void with a bare minimum of feedback is hard for approval-seeking me, although writing a blog isn't all that different, except nobody grades it and you don't get a degree for bloggery.

Where is the evidence that I've been knitting, you ask? Oh well, on Ravelry. I have taken no pictures yet, because that would mean having to figure out how to get the card into the new laptop and I don't quite know how to do that. I *could* possibly get the camera usb cable from the box that is over at my mother's. But I don't feel like taking pictures right now. So you'll have to keep looking at my other pictures. It's all part of an evil plan. Now it's back to work on that thesis of mine.

it's getting very near the end

Last weekend there was a much-needed break with *nothing* happening, except light cleaning and baseball anime which would have lead to the thesis being completely abandoned, if the main character hadn't put me off at the end of the second season - Goro you moron, you can't leave Toshi alone! (not a link to second season - that's the 6th season there, wait a minute, there is no Toshi in the 6th season ... nooooooooooooo!).

Bishies and baseball, a deadly combination to the anime nerd academic. Now I'm back to the grindstone and my thoughts are finally starting to work again, the quotations are starting to turn into pieces of text and the end can't be that far off.

The best thing that has happened is knitting - finally. I almost forgot how nice it is to watch something and knit or go someplace and take the knitting along with you to pass the time. I'm working on a little cowl with some of the reward yarn I got this summer. But no pictures yet, because I'd first have to figure out how to get the card into the computer (or look for the cable).

Znaim/Znojmo in the Czech Republic.

And today my mother and I made a little run to Ikea, because Ikea has these lap cushions with a hard plastic surface for laptops. Genius! Especially since my touchpad is a touch too touchy for precise work, so I need my mouse. Now I can finally write with my computer on my lap and my mouse by its side - I'm sure the thesis will grow much faster. The other thing I really needed was a breakfast bowl of my own. Now I have one. And then there are always some things that you want and kind of need - new, colorful bedclothes, a new large cushion for the couch, a little plastic set thing for the couch table ... but I did not get the measuring cups, because my old ones are better.

Fotographed straight down

I hope this will be one of the last thesis posts ... I've finally recovered from the "so tired of my thesis" part, but I still want it to be over and done with. Which means - back to work, I guess!

headlong pitch into another world

I'm still writing. Currently I'm on another section that just needs a lot of compilation and I have to finish working with this one book, because I have to return it tomorrow, so I am slowly sucking it dry of information and then will go over all my written parts again to see if I have missed a place where I wanted to insert some information from that book. I'm also waiting for my mother to return for a day. I've cleaned and swept and vacuumed and done all the dishes.

Last week I fell into the folk pit on youtube. I love folk music and its many different qualities. I happened across a couple of especially hypnotic songs and my brain has already picked up the easier ones. I guess it needed a break from writing. But now I'm back on it, even though I am extremely unwilling. Gritting teeth and bearing it as we speak, though.

Pictures courtesy of a beautiful expedition with my Scottish History class back in the spring of 2007. Uppermost is the garden of Falkland Palace in Falkland, Fife, then there's a window in Linlithgow Palace and lastly a tree in the vicinity of Rosslyn Chapel. I'll just leave you with the song that is gently inspiring me today, it fits perfectly with the rain and the cold: Sadly, the video was taken off youtube, but if you ever should find a recording or video of Dick Gaughan singing the "51st (Highland) Division's Farewell to Sicily", give it a listen.

coming up on week three

It's the third week of thesis writing - or maybe the fourth already. For a historian, I'm really forgetful about things that happen in my life and I can actually make myself forget them, too, leaving more space for "real" history. But it is a fact that this is the third week of me cooped up inside, unable to meet with friends, unable to move around much, unable to do anything without strong feelings of guilt.

Oh well. It will also be the last week, if I have anything to say about it (and unfortunately, I am the only one who has anything to say about it).

Today it's yet another trip to the library (ha, and I thought last Monday was the last one), two libraries actually, just to make sure that I haven't got too many second-hand citations in my text. My friend V. is bringing me another book from Linz on the weekend and I am milking the internet (JSTOR and Google books) for all it's got. Without the internet, I could chuck the whole thing, anyway. I'm really looking forward to the day, when I can have access to all the texts I need without having to pay large sums of money. Just to illustrate: to borrow a book from the Munich University Library via the Vienna University Library, it costs 14,90 Euros. I don't know if it costs that much per book (one would hope not), but even if it doesn't, that's just too much.

Working on the thesis, I'm going back and forth between "so bored!" and "ooh, fun!" It's a very strange life. The myth of the scientist needing absolute quiet in her (more often his) room and lots of service is a little truer than I thought. I also see why my dad always did his writing in the night, which I do, too, but it's starting to wear on me. Work gets done, though, even if I'm not generating text. Yesterday (or actually today at 1am) I finally whipped all my footnotes in shape.

Time to hit the libraries. Gratuitous Scotland pictures taken at the beach in North Berwick and at Tantallon Castle. I'm leaving you with a hypnotic song by the great Karine Polwart, which I've already learned how to sing, seeing as it's so simple.

and it's turned into something entirely different now

Losing my computer seriously threw me off. I had been doing so well, writing at least something every day and then suddenly I couldn't write. Writing a paper by hand only works when you're writing out bits and parts, but not whole paragraphs with citations. I was still reading books on the way to and back from work and at work waiting for library patrons, but then came the lectorship crunch and I only got back into writing when I finally had my new computer in my hands. It's taken me two weeks to get back in the state of mind where I actually have analytical thoughts.

In the meantime, I am sleeping next to piles of paper and about 10 or 12 books that need to be petted and cited and cursed at. The page count is increasing ever so slowly and everything is all over the place. Instead of turning out perfect paragraphs, I'm writing bits and pieces of thoughts and wonder where I can insert them. One procrastination maneuver is of course filling in all the spots marked with red which need more citations and another is checking the citations in the books to see if the pages are correct.

Add to that the beautiful Vienna weather with its nightly thunderstorms and torrential rainfalls. My head hurts almost constantly, even though I really try to get a lot of water and sleep. One success, though: my diet doesn't completely consist of chocolate pudding and coca-cola yet. I'm limiting myself to two puddings and two cokes a day and I'm having plenty of vegetables and some meat to make sure my vitamins stay up-to-date.

On the whole, I feel somewhat strange. My work obligations are almost almost over (three day break while the graphic designer finishes up the catalogue) and I am spending my time in bed with my computer on my lap and the books around me. I haven't talked to some of my friends in ages and feel definitely recluseish.

Somehow my benign little Operation Sonnenstrahl has turned into D-Day (must get inspiration where it lies) and Band of Brothers helps with motivation: Gimme three da-ays and three ni-ights of hard fightin', and you will be relieved! I can't even say at what percentage the laser is, since I haven't done a page count and it would probably be very off with all the bits and pieces.

Monday is the last library visit - there are still citations that need checking! After all, I can't use third-hand citations, it's bad enough that I have plenty of second-hand citations in there already. That's the problem with doing a European topic, the literature is all over Europe and Vienna sadly doesn't have the greatest university library in history.

On the whole, though, I can already see various carrots dangling on the other side of the thesis - the master's degree for one and the prospect of spending my time as I wish without guilty feelings. Movies. Knitting. Books. It will be wonderful.

Gratuitous Scotland pictures all taken while on a weekend trip with the Edinburgh University Folk Society in Inveraray in October 2006.

new laser new luck

Or, how I held the world to ransom over a million billion dollars and bought a new laptop. It is very sleek and shiny and fast and pretty. Have I written anything on it yet? Yes, a little. Tomorrow I shall write more. Actually, I have some handwritten pages which I really should type in, but I need to do a couple of tests first to see how I can use the laptop *and* the mouse in bed first, because the touchpad is annoying me very much. It does do some rather nice tricks such as bluetooth, so I connected it to my cellphone and got three years' worth of pictures off of it. Pictures such as this:

It's the Natural History Museum, some time in early spring, I think, and one of my favorite times of the day. My fun internship is sadly over, but it was a lot of fun and I've returned twice to use their scanner and their airconditioning. I might head over next week to write, but it depends on the weather. The second job is still ticking along somewhat, but finally winding down as well.

That's between the Natural History Museum and the Art History Museum, it's a statue of Empress Maria Theresia, mother of Marie Antoinette. She also birthed 15 or 16 other children. I just liked the sky and the contrast.

That's the back end of the Belvedere with a rather awesome cloud above it, taken two or so weeks ago. Anyway, there has been some knitting going on to relax my head, a summer scarf as a birthday present for my mother and some work on Herzblut, but now work on Herzblut is stalled, because the second ball of yarn is in the other apartment. I shouldn't put too much work into Herzblut right now, anyway, since the paper needs to be done done done.

That's Schwarzenbergplatz, which I used to go by with the D tram every morning, but this picture is actually three years old. Finally, I found what I want to write on the Moon. It is a quote from Dorothy L. Sayers' novel Gaudy Night and I think it should be quoted to every female scholar. Harriet Vane, the protagonist in this novel (usually the main protagonist is Lord Peter Wimsey) is anxious about meeting all her old university friends again, because a lot of things happened in the books before this one and calms herself by thinking about her achievements. "They can't take this away, at any rate. Whatever I may have done since, this remains. Scholar; Master of Arts; Domina; Senior Member of this University (statutum est quod Juniores Senioribus debitam et congruam reverentiam tum in privato tum in publico exhibeant); a place achieved, inalienable, worthy of reverence. " The Latin bit says: "It is decreed that Juniors will show to Seniors appropriate and fitting respect both in public and private." (not my translation).

It's long, but it will fit on the moon, I'm sure. Otherwise I'll just write the citation and people will have to look it up.